What dooms a relationship?

I am dating this amazingly wonderful man who seems to think that I am amazingly wonderful. We are quite alike, and yet different. He makes me feel safe. He makes me feel sexy and beautiful. He is so incredibly non-manipulative that I am afraid I'm being manipulated and just can't tell. (is that last part normal?)

We get along very well, and I don't think we're on our best behavior. I've seen him sicker than sick, and he's seen me insecure and weepy. I've seen him angry and he's seen me angry (though not at each other). We've both been guilty of workaholism. I've met his family and he's met the ones of mine that live nearby.

He's hinted at living together. (I think - hints are difficult for me). The thought of getting married again is repellent; however I don't want to live with someone. Either you want me forever, or not at all. So, if I don't want to marry and I won't live with anyone, where do we go? Is it normal for me to want to live on my own first? (I'm still sharing living space with X-man. - wish this house would sell!) And besides - his decor and my decor are not alike. (one thing I'm not compromising is me - and that includes personal expression).

What are the non-negotiables in a good relationship? I thought I had it right the first time - same religion, same intellectual level, his weaknesses were my strengths, differing interests to ensure something to learn over the years, etc. What did it matter that we didn't have that "spark"? What did it matter that we couldn't agree on anything - we just took turns? So what if we agreed on a course of action and then each just did things the way we thought best?

How on earth, will I ever be able to trust myself to make a better choice this time?

Money Issues

In the 4 months since the divorce became final and the 6 months since I stopped enabling Xman's financial choices, I have paid my debt down by 50%.

No, I don't get alimony. I do get modest child support, but I spend that directly on son's needs.

What is my secret? Not having to adjust my expenditures based upon Xman's crazy ideas. I know I sound like the bitter ex, but here are some examples:

Xman had hidden accounts when we divorced. I knew this. I didn't know how much were in them, but for 15+ years he had been 'advising' soon-to-be-married or early married acquaintances to keep some $$ hidden. Then before the divorce was final, he purchased a new Harley. and gear. and took his new girl away for the weekend. and bought our son a huge flat screen tv, and... and... and...

But evidently the money has been exhausted.

I was guilted for financial help 2 months ago when Xman decided to buy son a $200 lawnmower to mow the lawn "in case I decided to keep the house". This after I told him I couldn't buy the house - I couldn't afford it.

I was guilted for financial help this week because Xman couldn't make his bills. Yet, he purchased his father a new Stihl chainsaw because he didn't want to spend the $60 to send the old one back. Let's see... $300 vs. $60. hmmm....

In the past, I would have covered these misjudgements. But no more. And by January, I'll be debt-free.

Living in Sin

On our anniversary, (which we celebrated exactly once in 19 years), I told Xman that I wasn't willing to go on like this. After some discussion, his absolute refusal to get therapy, and his admission that he had checked out years before, we decided to divorce. We filed papers. 61 days later, a judge wished me good things for the rest of my life and I returned home to my now-ex-husband. Neither of us can afford to move out and continue to pay for the house, so until it sells, we are living in sin....except there is no sin. Not even a temptation. Not for years.

Fight. Fighting. Fought.

The next day, Xman was actually awake when I got home. I spoke to him again about how sleeping all day isn't normal. But this time I used words like "unacceptable and completely miserable". Of course, by the end of the exchange voices were louder than normal.

Then my work life and mom life became insanely busy. Evidently the anger had some effect, because Xman made a doctor's appointment. 5 hospitalizations and 3 surgeries later, Rip Van Winkle emerges into a world and marriage he stopped functioning in 15 years ago.

By now, I've had 10 months of thinking time, and therapy. I'm calmer, and more sure of myself. I have set some additional non-negotiables and Xman violated one irreparably when I overheard him telling my son not ask me for something, but to do ... and... to make me feel guilty so I would give it to him.

That was the end. I would not allow my son to think that this lack of trust and respect was a normal relationship.

Introduction

My life changed while I was at the grocery store. I was tired, really tired. My then-husband had been seriously ill or depressed (I wasn't sure which, since he never would go see a doctor) for years. I'm talking 18 hours of sleep daily. Not actually seeing him, because by now we'd been sleeping in seperate rooms for 10 years. Just seeing the mess he left me to clean and hearing the complaints over phone about what needed to be done. I was the essentially single parent to a pre-teen with a learning disability with a full-time job, and wife to an invalid husband.

I pulled into the parking lot and sat quietly for a second when a nearly uncontrollable urge to clear out my accounts and drive North hit me. It seemed so easy - just go. Shaky, I drove home sans groceries and alone as usual, began to wonder what in the world was wrong with me. I had been married 18 years. My husband didn't hit me, he worked, he wasn't cheating on me. What was prompting this insane desire to run away?